Fighting.

I've been putting off this blog post for awhile because mostly I haven't quite figured out how to explain myself. I've always had this gift- a gift of speaking and communicating. I have no problem walking straight up to a stranger and starting a conversation. I make decent friends fairly quickly and I can talk my way out of any dangerous situation. However, in the rare cases that I am trying to get a point across to someone I truly care about, I find myself having to repeat and repeat before I actually get what I need across. Nothing I say in this blog will make complete sense and trust me, I wish I could. I truly care about this, but for some reason- I can't seem to find the right words. However, it needs to get out- out of my head.

Someone once asked me what I want in this world, staring as a deer positioned in front of an oncoming car, I blanked. What do I really want from this world? "If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."  What am I willing to take from the people around me? What do I deserve? As a child, I would have spit off about thirty different toys, cars, houses and places of adventure, but as I am growing older- I hardly need anything. I've always been a messy minimalist. With the amount of things I actually own, I can hardly fill one car. However, I don't really need anything else at the moment. Yes, it would be nice to have a certain finical system all set up for me, yes it would be nice to be a home owner, and yes- I would like to fall in love with someone that won't walk out the front door when things get messy, but really- I'm enjoying my life as a 23 year old and taking each day a step at a time. I'm far too young to be settling and I am far too old to be leaving. I'm stuck, but I believe in the fate that I am meant to be at the time.

I was recently, again, asked what I wanted in the world and the answer has changed. I want to live in a world with no regrets. I want to stop running into people in this small town that no longer speak to me. I want to find someone that I can trust and will reinstigate the feeling of hope that I have recently given up on. I want to find myself, within myself, and be proud of what I have to offer. I want to be, for the first time. For the past month I have woken up to Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac. This entire album has been placed on repeat in my car and when I am starting to feel a little down, it is what I run to. I've noticed that each day I believe in myself a little bit more, each day I know who I am and what I am about. However, don't ask me where i am going and please don't ask me how I am going to get there- one step at a time, my friends, one step at a time.

Now, where do we go? I find myself more comfortable and at peace when I am by myself.  I spend more than 85 percent of my day dealing with own self, by myself. Even though I love being around people and serving at this moment gives me a sense of accomplishment, I am fine being completely by myself. It's relieving that I can find peace within my own thoughts. It is relieving to know that I can accomplish so much by myself. I was told awhile ago that I will end up alone. My personality, mixed with my deep emotions, mixed with my inability to be realistic are too much for the average man or person. Time has been spent since that statement and every day I start to believe him a little more. Maybe I am meant to be alone. How ironic would it be that the only person that I know of that believes in love and pink clouds is sure to be left alone. How ironic would it be for the once called unicorn to be just that- a mythical creature. Talked in hushed tones and never believed in. I look around me and I see nothing. I'm sick of waiting for the person that can actually make the statement of I love you, I will never walk away from you, and actually mean it. Am I becoming jaded, no, definitely not. Has my hope left that there might be someone out there, yes. Does it matter if I find someone, not at all- but damn it would be nice. I will always believe in love and truth and beauty and art, but I fail sometimes to see it around me. It's just life, right?


However, lets be honest- I miss you. I miss having someone to talk philosophy and religion with. I miss the ability to have a support system and know that if I was in trouble that you would find a way to help me. I miss the laughs and the simpleness of two people in love. I miss the puzzle pieces of you and trying to find a way of being one of them. I miss the unconditional love that I received, but I'm not sure if that is what you can offer anymore. I've changed just as fast as you have, but let's be realistic (hilarious) - you put everything on me and if something goes wrong I am the first to be blamed. I will never stop loving you and caring, because even if I am hurt and torn- I am determined to keep the promises that I proclaimed. I'm hoping that I can find that type of support again, but what I am really concerned about is that I won't be able to let anyone become that person. I've lost my hope, I've lost the entirety of my heart, and even though there are some great men and women in my life with massive potential, I can't seem to find myself being able to accept them. Push everyone away, become self destructive, grow, and find my own way. 

So ask me again, what do I want from this world. I want my hope back, with a side of dignity, and the ability to be myself without having someone else tell me if I am worth it or not. What can I control, nothing. What heals a broken heart, nothing. Has it gotten better, yes. Will I survive, yes. Can I trust someone again, let's hope that I won't fall from my pink cloud and let's hope that I won't become just another jaded, bitter, disgusting person that hates the idea of believing in something that has been pushed aside and forgotten for so long. Hope in the belief that hope still exists.

P.S. I finally finished Fight Club.