Waiting...

Waiting

A Poem by Faith Wilding

Waiting . . .

waiting . . .

waiting . . .

Waiting for someone to come in

Waiting for someone to hold me

Waiting for someone to feed me

Waiting for someone to change my diaper

Waiting . . .

Waiting to scrawl, to walk, waiting to talk

Waiting to be cuddled

Waiting for someone to take me outside

Waiting for someone to play with me

Waiting for someone to take me outside

Waiting for someone to read to me, dress me, tie my shoes

Waiting for Mommy to brush my hair

Waiting for her to curl my hair

Waiting to wear my frilly dress

Waiting to be a pretty girl

Waiting to grow up

Waiting . . .

Waiting for my breasts to develop

Waiting to wear a bra

Waiting to menstruate

Waiting to read forbidden books

Waiting to stop being clumsy

Waiting to have a good figure

Waiting for my first date

Waiting to have a boyfriend

Waiting to go to a party, to be asked to dance, to dance close

Waiting to be beautiful

Waiting for the secret

Waiting for life to begin

Waiting . . .

Waiting to be somebody

Waiting to wear makeup

Waiting for my pimples to go away

Waiting to wear lipstick, to wear high heels and stockings

Waiting to get dressed up, to shave my legs

Waiting to be pretty

Waiting . . .

Waiting for him to notice me, to call me

Waiting for him to ask me out

Waiting for him to pay attention to me

Waiting for him to fall in love with me

Waiting for him to kiss me, touch me, touch my breasts

Waiting for him to pass my house

Waiting for him to tell me I’m beautiful

Waiting for him to ask me to go steady

Waiting to neck, to make out, waiting to go all the way

Waiting to smoke, to drink, to stay out late

Waiting to be a woman

Waiting . . .

Waiting for my great love

Waiting for the perfect man

Waiting for Mr. Right

Waiting . . .

Waiting to get married

Waiting for my wedding day

Waiting for my wedding night

Waiting for sex

Waiting for him to make the first move

Waiting for him to excite me

Waiting for him to give me pleasure

Waiting for him to give me an orgasm

Waiting . . .

Waiting for him to come home, to fill my time

Waiting . . .

Waiting for my baby to come

Waiting for my belly to swell

Waiting for my breasts to fill with milk

Waiting to feel my baby move

Waiting for my legs to stop swelling

Waiting for the first contractions

Waiting for the contractions to end

Waiting for the head to emerge

Waiting for the first scream, the afterbirth

Waiting to hold my baby

Waiting for my baby to suck my milk

Waiting for my baby to stop crying

Waiting for my baby to sleep through the night

Waiting for my breasts to dry up

Waiting to get my figure back, for the stretch marks to go away

Waiting for some time to myself

Waiting to be beautiful again

Waiting for my child to go to school

Waiting for life to begin again

Waiting . . .

Waiting for my children to come home from school

Waiting for them to grow up, to leave home

Waiting to be myself

Waiting for excitement

Waiting for him to tell me something interesting, to ask me how I feel

Waiting for him to stop being crabby, reach for my hand, kiss me good morning

Waiting for fulfillment

Waiting for the children to marry

Waiting for something to happen

Waiting . . .

Waiting to lose weight

Waiting for the first gray hair

Waiting for menopause

Waiting to grow wise

Waiting . . .

Waiting for my body to break down, to get ugly

Waiting for my flesh to sag

Waiting for my breasts to shrivel up

Waiting for a visit from my children, for letters

Waiting for my friends to die

Waiting for my husband to die

Waiting . . .

Waiting to get sick

Waiting for things to get better

Waiting for winter to end

Waiting for the mirror to tell me that I’m old

Waiting for a good bowel movement

Waiting for the pain to go away

Waiting for the struggle to end

Waiting for release

Waiting for morning

Waiting for the end of the day

Waiting for sleep

Waiting . . .

Seems like all I do is wait, but when those brief moments of wanting nothing more than to stay- I blush and feel a calm that is addicting. I love those moments, but being one of the most impatient people in this world... I hate waiting for them. However, what makes something more beautiful than waiting for it to happen again?

<3

Katy

Spring Break!

It's the last day of my spring break and as I take a look at my past week I giggle to myself. What do I have to show for this past week? Absolutely nothing! Each day consisted of waking up past eleven, a great accomplishment really, working at either four or five and watching college basketball. I wouldn't say that I am lame, but I would definitely say that I have caught up on sleep and relaxing that I have been missing out on for the last few months. It felt good to finally put my feet up and not worry about anything other than what I was going to have for lunch and being somewhat busy at work made it so that I didn't feel like I was a complete potato! However, the fun will soon end for this next week is going to be interesting.

Since I got in a car accident the day of my midterm I now have to restudy and take that test on Tuesday, I am still a little behind in my Sartre class and does anyone really know what is going on in my Basque class? I didn't think so. Anyway, it is time to get back to the books and see what is in store for the rest of the semester... but hey, I have at least seven hours before I have to fall into bed so how shall I fulfill these final moments??? House marathon? Watching Texas play against Arizona?? Or maybe sneak a bite of the pork my mom is cooking for Sunday dinner?? My life is easy, it is simple, and I'm excited to say that I am enjoying that to the fullest!

And on that note, typing is becoming too strenuous and I am off to enjoy the last few moments of my spring break! I hope you all are doing the same!

<3
That one girl that used to go out and now is a grandma!

Vegas, Car Crashes, and DJ Gay.

Cheers, beers, and tears...
All of a sudden we've found ourselves being surrounded by the "enemy". Continually circling around us, we had no where to hide. What once was filled with high fives and fist bumps was now filled with glares and cold shoulders. It was on, and the enemy was ready... but really how could we call our friends that? Sitting next to each other the entire time and being taught traditions:  holding a finger up, learning to chant, "I believe, I believe, I believe we'll win", as well as the fight song "AZTECS FIGHT"... yeah- it might have not been the best decision to put four BYU "Jimmer" fans next to fifteen die-heart SDSU "Gay" fans!

This last weekend my family and I found ourselves within the mass blue and red sea of people as we all cheered on our favorite teams. As I've said before, I have never really been a basketball fan, but this weekend has been a different story. Basketball filled our entire time on our trip to Vegas and besides eating and doing a little shopping, it's all we did! Even though BYU didn't win the last game, they did an awesome job keeping us all entertained! Plus, it doesn't really matter because SDSU and BYU are both in the upcoming tournament! Woo hoo! However, that's not all that happened this weekend...

Even though I found myself being pushed left and right as each of us cheered the Cougs and Aztecs on, I was also pushed and shoved in two... yes two not one... car accidents. =[ My baby, my love, and a piece of me died right before boarding my plane to Vegas.

If you know me at all, you know that my car is far more than just my car. This piece of love has been in my life for the last 8 or so years and is a HUGE part of my past. Just thinking about it the other day, I don't have one good friend that doesn't have a picture in or beside that car. I don't have one friend that doesn't have a memory that happened in that car. Whether it was the fun times we had driving up to Tahoe, or the times we sang our hearts out, the high school trips and ditching free periods, the drives from Idaho to Salt Lake, or maybe even the romantic question of will you be mine? It doesn't matter because I expected that car to be in my life for longer than this... and yes, I understand that most would be ecstatic of the idea of getting a new car, but I would rather get a bike, or heck, I would rather walk. I'm naturally inclined to hate change, I don't want a new car... I don't want to say goodbye, but I guess a change might be good? Right? bleh...

However, the story doesn't stop there. While enjoying our selves in Vegas- we found ourselves sandwiched between two cars on the freeway leading out to Henderson. Again, all is okay and no one was hurt... besides my left shoulder that got a little more bruised, but it just confirmed my bike purchase even more. I'm cursed I tell ya, and I don't want to be behind the wheel or in the back seat of a car anymore! Bike fund, here we come! haha.

Other than that, this week consists of my spring break and I know exactly how I am going to celebrate- sleeping in, eating a lot of chocolate and ice cream, and watching movies! Watch out spring break, because here I come!

<3
Katy

Amor Fati

For some time in my life I have lived by Nietzsche's simple Latin words, Amor Fati. Love your fate, embrace your fate, understand your fate, adore your fate...

What if you feel that your fate should be different...

Just shrug your shoulders and call me the hopeless romantic... in my bad faith I am who I am. I just want that feeling again. ugh.

<3
Katy

[...]

Not sure what's causing this funk... maybe it's just a mixture of aspects that present themsevles in my life... maybe not???...either way... let's just leave it at that... here are my deep felt dots and a good song to enjoy. Thanks for understanding.


.....


Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams,
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams,
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind,
Alone in the wind and the rain you left me,
It's getting dark darling, too dark to see,
And I'm on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems.

Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown,
I know you have felt much more love than you've shown,
And I'm on my knees and the water creeps to my chest.

But plant your hope with good seeds,
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds,
Rain down, rain down on me,
Look over your hills and be still,
The sky above us shoots to kill,
Rain down, rain down on me.

But I will hold on
I will hold on hope

I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones,
Let the dead bury their dead, they will come out in droves,
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes, you've made.

But plant your hope with good seeds,
Don't cover yourself with thistle and weeds,
Rain down, rain down on me.

<3
Katy