ttwo completely seperate posts put into one.

Something I would ask you...
They say that you can't really live unless you have faith in something. How could you live without it? Can you be successful without it? In other words, can you be faithless and still exist, still have a purpose? Which raises the question of your purpose. Faith equals to your purpose, dedication determines your life... or does it? Do you even get the choice to choose what you have faith in? Or is it something that is handed to you or branded to your soul? Do you choose to lose your faith or is it just part of your fate? So many questions.... 

And I don't even know his last name...

It's June 21st. The last time I truly looked at my calender, it was May. These past few weeks have been complete and utter chaos. With summer finally here and with an empty wallet to prove it, I couldn't be happier. With the mixture of friends, family, and a good time I couldn't imagine my life being any better than it is at the moment. The sun is out, the days are long, and the drives in my red car are priceless. All I need is a bouquet of sunflowers and we have the summer I have been longing for!

I've started counting days by the night and my new bed time is never before three, but you can't really blame me. Three friends that don't live in Reno anymore made their way over the country to visit. One after the other they arrived and we conquered the town. Everything from strangers giving me over 200 dollars to gamble with, to bouncers giving me back messages. What day is it again, oh right- it's June 21st.

With a brief break in the middle of this chaos I found myself completely content with having a night in. Reading my new novel or watching a funny movie I have found myself at that perfect level of happiness. I'm fine being out with the girls, dinners and dates with the boys, and the nights that I curl up in my bed alone are perfect. This is the moment of life that I have been missing for the past few months and I am so excited that I can finally say that I am happy, on my own terms. I mean, how can one not be happy when the rodeo is in town?

Cowboys. Oh dear. It is on the bucket list that I end up dating a cowboy, not necessarily a heavy dating type, but for some reason I am fascinated! With the rodeo in town I have found enough country driven gals to play wingwomen with. Gone twice and hoping to go one more time before they pick up and leave, I can't believe our luck sometimes. Wanna go? Just give us a ring and will have the time of our lives. Ferris wheels and cotton candy I feel as if I am a child again, and for the first time, in a very long time... I am excited to be young. You have to be young and wild before you can become old and wise and that is just what I am doing. Let the chips fall where they may and watch the stars because today is the only day that matters. Live, laugh, and love for what will tomorrow bring? Let me stop just saying carpe diem phrases and let me take them into my life, hold them close to my heart, and for goodness sake, let me be free. What to do today? I'm off for a day in the sun while I play our (Sarah, Renee, and Katy's) anthem!

Enjoy.
P.S. I want red high heels.

Bucket List and Adventures

Growing up in Reno has given me the life, experiences, and strength I need to eventually grow into the woman that I desire. With the upsides of living in a twenty-four hour town with friends and family, I seem to find myself often wondering what it would have been like to live in the Great Salt Lake City, Utah. Over half of my extended family lives in the great lands of Utah or have at some point or another which makes visits rare and special. Family reunions were always necessary for the fact that we sometimes go years without seeing one another. However, it is always a tad awkward to be in a room of people that see each other on a regular basis and or at least recognize one another. (Who's the girl with black hair?) This leads me to one of the best weekends I've had in awhile.

Flying away from Reno and into Salt Lake always gives me a sense of coming home. While I have never actually lived in Salt Lake, it feels that I am an honorary member of their society. I can find my way around downtown, as well as, some of the outside cities and I also know the extensive rivalry between Utah and BYU sports. I can hang with the crowd and not get lost when they pronounce mountain like mah-wnn. Most of all, I can it my home away from home- always a welcome door mat and even if Reno sometimes follows me to my safe place, I can usually find my way out of the garbage.

Either way, the weekend was filled with family activities such as: watching soccer games, going swimming, chasing the little ones around, and having a traditional breakfast at the Crackle Barrel. However, this trip was going to find itself a tad bit different than the last. About two hours away from the Salt Lake Temple is an earthwork called the Spiral Jetty ...  

I was asked what I wanted to do this weekend... and sure enough I had an idea. Since my recent report on Robert Smithson  and other earthworks artists in America I've been a tad obsessed with seeing as many as I could. Part of my bucketlist is dedicated to seeing certain art pieces and when I finally find myself in the vicinity of them, I can't find myself happier. However, this isn't a happy or lucky story, while on our way to the top of the Great Salt Lake, listening to the Eagles on repeat, we found ourselves driving through lands of cows, grass, and weeds. No civilization to be heard of for at least an hour, the small signs proclaimed that we were about fifteen minutes away from our destination. With excitement we stopped at what we thought was the Spiral Jetty. For the last few years, the Jetty was submersed in the surrounding water and with this thought in the back of my mind, I figured that I could only see a section of her. In the picture above you can see a small beach that lies to the right, for about an hour we walked around this small beach perplexed with the small pieces of beauty that lie around the area. The pictures were amazing and the beach was calm. Hardly any noise along with the slow moving water brought a sense of surrealism to my life. My smile was huge until we got back in cell service and realized that, lo and behold- we didn't actually see the Spiral Jetty, that the Spiral Jetty was actually about five minutes past our amazing beach. With less than a third of gas in our tank and the sun about twenty minutes from setting, I started to cry. For years I have been waiting to see this, it had been over three hours of driving, we were hungry and yes... I had to pee for about  the last two hours at this point. With faith in our hearts and a little encouragement from my father we found ourselves on the road back to our destination, often times finding ourselves in neutral to save some gas. We made it, barely, and the joy that I felt can't be compared to anything else in this world. I know that this is my calling on this world, I am meant to keep the art alive, I am meant to fight the fight, I am meant to see and experience and share and WARN EVERYONE GOING TO THE SPIRAL JETTY THAT IT ISN'T ON THE FIRST BEACH YOU SEE!!! KEEP DRIVING, SON! haha. Here is some pictures that I took, most on the beach but a couple of the Jetty herself. Thank you Smithson, for your passion and for a work that has lasted over 40 years. I bow to the great.

With love,

Katy

God.

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"  Why did I cause so much pain?  Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?  Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love?  I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.  We are not special.  We are not crap or trash, either.  We just are.  We just are, and what happens just happens.  And God says, "No, that's not right."  Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.  You can't teach God anything."

Fighting.

I've been putting off this blog post for awhile because mostly I haven't quite figured out how to explain myself. I've always had this gift- a gift of speaking and communicating. I have no problem walking straight up to a stranger and starting a conversation. I make decent friends fairly quickly and I can talk my way out of any dangerous situation. However, in the rare cases that I am trying to get a point across to someone I truly care about, I find myself having to repeat and repeat before I actually get what I need across. Nothing I say in this blog will make complete sense and trust me, I wish I could. I truly care about this, but for some reason- I can't seem to find the right words. However, it needs to get out- out of my head.

Someone once asked me what I want in this world, staring as a deer positioned in front of an oncoming car, I blanked. What do I really want from this world? "If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't."  What am I willing to take from the people around me? What do I deserve? As a child, I would have spit off about thirty different toys, cars, houses and places of adventure, but as I am growing older- I hardly need anything. I've always been a messy minimalist. With the amount of things I actually own, I can hardly fill one car. However, I don't really need anything else at the moment. Yes, it would be nice to have a certain finical system all set up for me, yes it would be nice to be a home owner, and yes- I would like to fall in love with someone that won't walk out the front door when things get messy, but really- I'm enjoying my life as a 23 year old and taking each day a step at a time. I'm far too young to be settling and I am far too old to be leaving. I'm stuck, but I believe in the fate that I am meant to be at the time.

I was recently, again, asked what I wanted in the world and the answer has changed. I want to live in a world with no regrets. I want to stop running into people in this small town that no longer speak to me. I want to find someone that I can trust and will reinstigate the feeling of hope that I have recently given up on. I want to find myself, within myself, and be proud of what I have to offer. I want to be, for the first time. For the past month I have woken up to Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac. This entire album has been placed on repeat in my car and when I am starting to feel a little down, it is what I run to. I've noticed that each day I believe in myself a little bit more, each day I know who I am and what I am about. However, don't ask me where i am going and please don't ask me how I am going to get there- one step at a time, my friends, one step at a time.

Now, where do we go? I find myself more comfortable and at peace when I am by myself.  I spend more than 85 percent of my day dealing with own self, by myself. Even though I love being around people and serving at this moment gives me a sense of accomplishment, I am fine being completely by myself. It's relieving that I can find peace within my own thoughts. It is relieving to know that I can accomplish so much by myself. I was told awhile ago that I will end up alone. My personality, mixed with my deep emotions, mixed with my inability to be realistic are too much for the average man or person. Time has been spent since that statement and every day I start to believe him a little more. Maybe I am meant to be alone. How ironic would it be that the only person that I know of that believes in love and pink clouds is sure to be left alone. How ironic would it be for the once called unicorn to be just that- a mythical creature. Talked in hushed tones and never believed in. I look around me and I see nothing. I'm sick of waiting for the person that can actually make the statement of I love you, I will never walk away from you, and actually mean it. Am I becoming jaded, no, definitely not. Has my hope left that there might be someone out there, yes. Does it matter if I find someone, not at all- but damn it would be nice. I will always believe in love and truth and beauty and art, but I fail sometimes to see it around me. It's just life, right?


However, lets be honest- I miss you. I miss having someone to talk philosophy and religion with. I miss the ability to have a support system and know that if I was in trouble that you would find a way to help me. I miss the laughs and the simpleness of two people in love. I miss the puzzle pieces of you and trying to find a way of being one of them. I miss the unconditional love that I received, but I'm not sure if that is what you can offer anymore. I've changed just as fast as you have, but let's be realistic (hilarious) - you put everything on me and if something goes wrong I am the first to be blamed. I will never stop loving you and caring, because even if I am hurt and torn- I am determined to keep the promises that I proclaimed. I'm hoping that I can find that type of support again, but what I am really concerned about is that I won't be able to let anyone become that person. I've lost my hope, I've lost the entirety of my heart, and even though there are some great men and women in my life with massive potential, I can't seem to find myself being able to accept them. Push everyone away, become self destructive, grow, and find my own way. 

So ask me again, what do I want from this world. I want my hope back, with a side of dignity, and the ability to be myself without having someone else tell me if I am worth it or not. What can I control, nothing. What heals a broken heart, nothing. Has it gotten better, yes. Will I survive, yes. Can I trust someone again, let's hope that I won't fall from my pink cloud and let's hope that I won't become just another jaded, bitter, disgusting person that hates the idea of believing in something that has been pushed aside and forgotten for so long. Hope in the belief that hope still exists.

P.S. I finally finished Fight Club.

Sunshine

She makes me want to become a California girl, to lay out in the sun, be on a beach, and soak up the summer! I think times are a changin', for once I'm not shying away from the sunshine!

Let is shine.

<3
Katy

With Such Grace, ha- Yeah Right.

Music addiction. One hit, one fight.
I'm in the presence of you.
Listening, humming, fight, hit, sing.
My rage, extreme compared extreme
Hit, fight, choke.
Stop pulling on me,
stop pulling me down.
I'm not drowning.
I'm flying, I'm fighting.
Fight, Hit, Scars.
Fact or is it fair.
Unhealthy and helpless.
Fight, Hit, Scars.
Lying awake at night,
shivering, choking, lifeless.
Song replays.
replays.
and
replays.
and
replays.
Drowning, ripping, fix
fix
fix
fix
Can't get it out of my head.
CAN'T GET IT OUT.
I never let go.
I never saw the end.
I never lied, I never lied.
High, floating, warmth.
It hurt, but more that you gave up.

constantly I have to fall asleep to music, not because it makes me feel better, not because it helps with the nightmares, not that it makes things go away.... but because, if only for a moment, I'm not replaying that song over and over and over again.

I can't get the song out of my head.... all I want is the song to get out of my head.....